Burn Out

I recently read this blog post by the awesome Meighan O’Toole about being burnt out and disillusioned.  I became aware of Meighan through her former blog, My Love For You Is A Stampede of Horses.  I was so sad when she stopped this blog, and always wondered why. Here she explains why, in a really articulate way that totally resonated with me.

A few years ago I experienced a similar burn out, although in a different context. I had been showing my work non-stop for five years, a total dream come true for me, and something I worked very hard for many years to achieve. But this success came at a price to my personal life. I was working so much that I hadn’t realized I HAD NO LIFE. I found myself blowing off hanging out with friends, not exercising or generally taking good care of myself, and a relationship? What’s that? I even found I was not allowing myself time for simple pleasures like cooking or baking, because I had the attitude that time that wasn’t spent working was time wasted. I was also (and still am) working a full-time day job. Now, I don’t want to give the impression that I was a complete hermit, I did manage to see friends and family and occasionally do something fun, but there was always a nagging guilt whenever I wasn’t in the studio or doing something art-related.

I tried many times to find more balance in my life, with not much success. A few more years passed, and I started feeling that the thing that I had worked so hard for and sacrificed so much for wasn’t satisfying anymore. I was always happy and excited to have my work in a show, but when the show was hung and the opening was over, it felt very anti-climactic. And the truth is: I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting to happen.  I started to feel like, ‘what’s the point?’ This was a dark moment for me, when I thought I had lost my love for the one thing that has been a consuming passion my whole life. I felt completely disillusioned. What was I supposed to do now?

But what I realized was, I hadn’t ever lost my love for art or art-making, I had just gotten a bit burnt out. I had lost sight of the reason I was making art in the first place, and getting too caught up in the business of it.

Nobody wants to sound like that person who’s whining about their success. And believe me, I feel so grateful for all the opportunities I’ve had. All of this is really hard to admit and talk about, for fear of it sounding like a complaint. But the reality is, burn out is a real thing, and you have to balance your gratitude with the fact that you can’t say yes to everything.

These days, I’m feeling a bit better about all of it. My production might be slower, and I may not be showing as often as I have in the past. But, I’ve recently been in some shows and had some art-related experiences that have been really satisfying. I also have (finally) found a great relationship with a person who fully supports what I do but also manages to get me out of the studio and doing other things. I’m taking more time to do things for pure enjoyment, and making my life as big a priority as my art. I haven’t fully figured it out yet; even now as I write this I worry, ‘Have I gotten too soft? Have I lost my edge?’ It’s a work in progress; I still feel pangs of guilt sometimes if I haven’t been in the studio for a few days. But what I’ve realized is this elusive balance that I’ve always craved is something that needs to be worked on every day; it’s not something that you just achieve and it's done. There are going to be days that are totally unbalanced, in one direction or the other. And that’s ok.